oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's shark week go big or go home
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
