The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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