Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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