The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
