Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
