If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
is it fun? or sober?
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