I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
