Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
