Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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