You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
