Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
