i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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