Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
