I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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