i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
me + whiskey = a bad person
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
