I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
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And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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