Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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