I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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