Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Randomize
