I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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