dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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