i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
