Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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