I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
