He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
