She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Randomize
