I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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