My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
