im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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