Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
