meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
that may or may not have been my penis.
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