Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
