Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did I show you my penis last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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