It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
