This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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