i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i think my cat just said my name.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
