My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Randomize
