I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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