we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
