Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
