I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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