Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
