Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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