I'm so fucking centered right now
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
