You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
