so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
