my room smells like sperm. sweet.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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