last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
