But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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