Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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