Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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