dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
