So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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