Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
