Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
