I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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