i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
