Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Randomize
