Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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