I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
