im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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