I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
