He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
